May is the month of wolves!

I want to be kissed. I want someone to grab my face (read ass) and kiss the shit out of me. I want tongue everywhere and saliva exchange and closed eyes and increased heart rates. I want so much tongue that I can taste what they ate for breakfast. I want to be pushed against a wall and felt up as I drown in a sea of saliva and nerves. I also want a gentle kiss. Just lips and eyes and breathing and smiles. I want a peck on my lips too from my friends (read Mal). I miss that. A small peck full of love. I want all of them. I want to be kissed so bad but I am too self conscious to let anyone near my lips at the moment. Too human to think anyone would want to feel them in all their cracked glory.

I want to do Insanity. Imagine that. Me! I want to do Insanity and blog my progress every two weeks and tell you guys how 2 months later I have lost a gazillion inches and feel amazing. I want to move from 58 kgs to my ideal 55. Seriously the person who gave me these 3 kgs that have never left me, can you come get them! I don't want them! I have never wanted them! Goddammit if I was doing Insanity I would be so rid of these 3 small stupid kilos. Okay all things considered I would probably quit the program two weeks in but I would like the chance to try. But my lungs, joints, heart are killing my vibe.

I could write about how I can't remember what a day without joint and internal weird pains feels like. You know those random pains you get and you are sure something major is wrong and you will die the next minute? I could write about how blindness is the scariest experience you can go through physically. I could write about how there are days I am literally too tired to get out of bed, to eat, to shower, to even lift a spoon. I could explain how chronic fatigue and pain are the weirdest symptoms of them all because I can't function yet I am not crying out in pain. I could tell you how sometimes it gets so bad my sister gets me out of my clothes right down to my bra. I could sit here and complain how prednisone and those 7 other types of meds I have been on for over 1000 days are slowly finishing my liver everyday and making it impossible to lose those 3 kilos *hello insecurities, thanks for checking in*. Or how now that I officially have arthritis my medical bills are getting out of hand and I have no idea how I will afford this shit when I move out of my parents' house. I could write a whole post about how I am afraid of dying before I am done living, how I am afraid I may never have children, how I am afraid if I do get children, I will leave them motherless. I could be even more candid and say sometimes I am scared I will live for 60 more years with this disease and I don't think I am mentally and emotionally strong enough for that. I could sit here and be radiant and sunshiney and testify as to how lupus has changed my life and made me a positive human being and made me greater. But I won't. I won't because right now all I truly want with every fibre of my tired aching body is for my cracking lips to get their shit together and my pleuritis and pericarditis to calm the fuck down because I want to be kissed and I want to do Insanity.

*Pleuritis is inflammation of the membranes covering your lungs. Pericarditis is the same thing but for your heart.

*My lips have cracked to the point of bleeding courtesy of lupus. The newest symptom thus far. I have never had it before and didn't even know that it was a thing. Go figure. Never a dull day with SLE. She keeps things spicy and random. That is the key to a life long relationship my friends. I am always kept guessing and always surprised.

*SLE is short for systemic lupus erythematosus. The kind I have.

**********

May is Lupus Awareness Month. Take 5 minutes out of your day and Google what lupus is about and quietly give your energy to these purple spoonie warriors. 

x
Jean Kanini.